All Posts in Category: Easier said than done, but well worth the effort

Comments Off on Doing the Right Thing- the Bystander Effect and Personal Responsibility

Doing the Right Thing- the Bystander Effect and Personal Responsibility

Posted by

The older I get, the more bothered I have become by the realization that there are many people who would rather look the other way, than do the right thing.
The revelations in 2011 about Sandusky and Penn State are prime example of this.
It is alarming to me how many people are afraid to make waves, who don’t want to get involved, or do not want to be the one to call attention to a problem in part because the problem happens to involve a well respected member of the community.
I have encountered many examples of this in my practice; stories of people being harmed and/or injustices being allowed to continue, because no one was brave enough to call a spade a spade and let the chips fall where they may.

In social psychology there is a concept called the Bystander Effect, in which the likelihood of someone responding to a situation decreases as the number of people witnessing the situation increases.

This diffusion of responsibility that happens when more than one person witnesses the same injustice on the one hand is somewhat understandable (people seem to think someone else will deal with the problem, or if others are not reacting they shouldn’t either) but at the same time baffling and disturbing.  It seems counterintuitive to think the more people are available to help another human being when they need it, the less likely that person is to actually be helped.  How sad for all of us who may need help.

I like to think there are many people who do not respond this way.  But I have been shocked at how often I have been wrong about this, even when people are in positions of authority, even when people are acting in a professional capacity and are charged with the task of helping.  Sometimes these situations are complex and the solutions are not clear or easy.

My hope is that situations like Penn State act as a wake up call to all of us to ensure that the right thing is done or that we continue to try to find the right thing to do, rather than look away and say to ourselves it is not our responsibility.  I’d like to live in a world where we all believe it is everyone’s responsibility to protect each other, particularly those who cannot as easily protect themselves.

Read More
Comments Off on Why I do what I do (And how does therapy help?)

Why I do what I do (And how does therapy help?)

Posted by

People sometimes ask me, “How can you listen to people’s problems all day long? That sounds like it would be really depressing.”  I guess if I looked at it that way, it would be kind of a downer!  But thankfully, I don’t see what I do that way at all.  (A psychologist or psychotherapists job is far more complex than just listening, many sympathetic people can do that!)

I don’t see what I do as listening to people’s problems, I see it as listening for the solutions (and then the fun and rewarding part: helping people to find a solution or a different way of seeing and doing things).

The listening part of my job is a very complex task.  I am listening to “the problem,” I am looking for connections, patterns and threads. I am listening for the roots of the problem. I am listening for negative beliefs and maladaptive meanings that support the problems, and I am thinking of possible solutions. Phew. No wonder my brain is tired by the end of a full day!

I recently watched a TED talk called, “How to inspire anyone to do anything”.  I found it very inspiring indeed!  Simon Sinek’s point is that people are inspired to act by why we do what we do, not by what we do.  I think that is exactly why I find my job inspiring and rewarding, not depressing.  It is not the listening part (part of what I do), it’s why I do it, that inspires me, keeps me doing it, and hopefully is giving my patients what they need to improve their lives.

No one’s life is perfect.  We all have things that have happened to us that color the way we see things or that get in the way of our living to our potential.  I do what I do because I find it very rewarding to help people identify the source of the things that are getting in their way, so they can live a more full, productive, healthy and happy life.  I enjoy helping couples to deepen and improve their relationships, and their communication so they can continue the hard work of being in a relationship.

Sometimes people think having to get therapy is bit of a punishment or a sign of weakness.  I think it is an amazing opportunity and a sign of strength. Successful therapy requires at least two active and engaged people (the therapist and the person or people seeking therapy).  The transformation and meaningful change that ultimately results from”listening to people’s problems,” is why I do what I do!

Read More
Comments Off on Not taking things personally…

Not taking things personally…

Posted by

I have found that many people take things personally, that are not personal. This is natural. We all do this much more than we realize. Sometimes it takes a long time to learn that when people hurt us it often isn’t about us, it is about the person hurting us. If someone says something unkind or thoughtless it is hard not to be hurt. But if you really think about it, it often says more about the person who made the comment than it does about you.
This is hardest to do with the people we love, but it is often equally true.

Read More
Comments Off on Fake it ’til you make it cure

Fake it ’til you make it cure

Posted by
People often suffer from social anxiety, shyness or just not feeling confident in social situations. This is when I like to use what I affectionately call my “fake it ‘til you make it cure.” Basically it involves thinking of someone you know of, who possesses the quality you wish you had.  For example, you may wish you were more confident or less shy in social situations like your friend Kim.  The next time you go into a social situation, pretend like you are Kim.  Now I don’t mean walk up to people and say, “Hi my name is Kim!” You are still you, you just have the social confidence of Kim.  So be like you would be if you had the kind of social confidence Kim has.  Soon you will notice that people view you as being this way and it will feed on itself and strengthen your confidence.  If you practice this enough, soon you will realize you have actually started doing it naturally and you have taught yourself to be less shy or more socially confident.

Please don’t misunderstand.  I am not telling you to be fake.  I am telling you to pull out a quality that you likely have more of than you think!

This works with many other things too.  If you find yourself thinking you wish you were more brave or talkative or assertive -anything-pick someone who you admire for this trait and then practice being more like that person.  It requires effort and practice-but it works!

Disclaimer: This blog is not intended as a substitute for psychological or psychiatric care.  If you have a condition requiring treatment, please seek appropriate care from a qualified professional.

Read More
Comments Off on Being how you want to feel not how you do feel

Being how you want to feel not how you do feel

Posted by

I used to think we were largely victims of our emotions… but the more I learn and experience, the more I realize that we have more control over our feelings than I used to think we did, because our thoughts often actually control our emotions.

Obviously there will always be things that make us angry or sad, and thank goodness for that or we wouldn’t be human.  But after a certain point, dwelling on these things (or if your feelings are not lessening or changing over time) then you are stuck and it is no longer healthy.

  • Changing your perspective/thoughts can change your emotions

For example if you made a deal with someone and afterwards you start thinking that you were ripped off, you begin to feel angry.  Let’s say you are driving home after having made this deal, and by the time you get home you have worked yourself into quite a frenzy.  When you get home, let’s imagine that you google the deal you made and realize that you were not ripped off, it was a good deal for everyone, a win-win situation.  What happens to your anger?  It goes away.  The point is, that the deal didn’t change, but your perspective did. Therefore you can change your feelings by changing your perspective.  If you find yourself feeling angry or sad or ruminating about something that happened to you, you can ask yourself, “in the whole grand scheme of things, how bad is this?”  There is usually something worse that you can imagine.  Either way, if you can’t do anything to change it, again, there is no point in dwelling on it.

Now, I know this is a lot easier said, than done.  It may be something you have to remind yourself of daily (I know I have had to).  Sometimes during difficult times in our lives we struggle with this.  But if you are sick of hearing yourself complain (and your friends are probably too) then you can and should do something about it.

Be how you want to feel not how you do feel– If you feel sorry for yourself and sad,  and you don’t want to feel that way any more—act like you don’t and you’ll often find that you don’t anymore—you can tell yourself you are “okay”, and literally make yourself be okay.  (Obviously there are exceptions to this, if you are clinically depressed or having panic/anxiety attacks and are unable to control it, then you need to get professional help and consult with a physician about the possibility of taking medication for your condition.)

Read More