helping others Archives - Dr. Bettina Lehnert PhD. PLLC

The older I get, the more bothered I have become by the realization that there are many people who would rather look the other way, than do the right thing.
The revelations in 2011 about Sandusky and Penn State are prime example of this.
It is alarming to me how many people are afraid to make waves, who don’t want to get involved, or do not want to be the one to call attention to a problem in part because the problem happens to involve a well respected member of the community.
I have encountered many examples of this in my practice; stories of people being harmed and/or injustices being allowed to continue, because no one was brave enough to call a spade a spade and let the chips fall where they may.

In social psychology there is a concept called the Bystander Effect, in which the likelihood of someone responding to a situation decreases as the number of people witnessing the situation increases.

This diffusion of responsibility that happens when more than one person witnesses the same injustice on the one hand is somewhat understandable (people seem to think someone else will deal with the problem, or if others are not reacting they shouldn’t either) but at the same time baffling and disturbing. It seems counterintuitive to think the more people are available to help another human being when they need it, the less likely that person is to actually be helped. How sad for all of us who may need help.

I like to think there are many people who do not respond this way. But I have been shocked at how often I have been wrong about this, even when people are in positions of authority, even when people are acting in a professional capacity and are charged with the task of helping. Sometimes these situations are complex and the solutions are not clear or easy.

My hope is that situations like Penn State act as a wake up call to all of us to ensure that the right thing is done or that we continue to try to find the right thing to do, rather than look away and say to ourselves it is not our responsibility. I’d like to live in a world where we all believe it is everyone’s responsibility to protect each other, particularly those who cannot as easily protect themselves.

People sometimes ask me, “How can you listen to people’s problems all day long? That sounds like it would be really depressing.” I guess if I looked at it that way, it would be kind of a downer! But thankfully, I don’t see what I do that way at all. (A psychologist or psychotherapists job is far more complex than just listening, many sympathetic people can do that!)

I don’t see what I do as listening to people’s problems, I see it as listening for the solutions (and then the fun and rewarding part: helping people to find a solution or a different way of seeing and doing things).

The listening part of my job is a very complex task. I am listening to “the problem,” I am looking for connections, patterns and threads. I am listening for the roots of the problem. I am listening for negative beliefs and maladaptive meanings that support the problems, and I am thinking of possible solutions. Phew. No wonder my brain is tired by the end of a full day!

I recently watched a TED talk called, “How to inspire anyone to do anything”. I found it very inspiring indeed! Simon Sinek’s point is that people are inspired to act by why we do what we do, not by what we do. I think that is exactly why I find my job inspiring and rewarding, not depressing. It is not the listening part (part of what I do), it’s why I do it, that inspires me, keeps me doing it, and hopefully is giving my patients what they need to improve their lives.

No one’s life is perfect. We all have things that have happened to us that color the way we see things or that get in the way of our living to our potential. I do what I do because I find it very rewarding to help people identify the source of the things that are getting in their way, so they can live a more full, productive, healthy and happy life. I enjoy helping couples to deepen and improve their relationships, and their communication so they can continue the hard work of being in a relationship.

Sometimes people think having to get therapy is bit of a punishment or a sign of weakness. I think it is an amazing opportunity and a sign of strength. Successful therapy requires at least two active and engaged people (the therapist and the person or people seeking therapy). The transformation and meaningful change that ultimately results from”listening to people’s problems,” is why I do what I do!

All Posts Tagged: helping others

Why I do what I do (And how does therapy help?)